Overzealous, crazy jealous and more than a little stalker.

Some guys start with so much promise. And sadly, some barely get started before I realise Mr Tall, Dark and Handsome* is actually Tall, Dark and Completely Insane.

One such specimen I met a few months ago through a friend, Nick. Mr TDCI is, as advertised, tall, dark and mind bogglingly handsome, and we had no trouble making conversation for what became a couple of hours. He seemed to know a few things about me that I didn't remember sharing, but since I have a disgusting habit of talking about myself too much combined with us having mutual friends, I didn't think more about it. I should have, because it turns out he has more than a little of the Edward Cullen** about him.

But since I hadn't worked this out yet and lets face it, was too horny and enthralled by his hotness (did i mention it was mind boggling?) to deny him, I gave him my phone number when he asked for it.

The next morning, I woke up to 6 text messages and 2 missed calls, complete with breathy voice messages about how great it was to meet me. (One sober sounding message about an hour after I left would have been borderline, but ok. These two intense ones, combined with the texts, had me seeing massive red flags.)

I replied once, politely, by text, saying that unfortunately I was busy for the foreseeable and unforeseeable future and thought that would be the end of it.

But no. The texts continued and, I'm ashamed to say, I engaged in a little text flirtation because, well, mind boggling hotness. (yes, that's my defence) And then he ambushed me leaving work.

I was walking out of my building with a couple of friends when he jumped out at me from behind a pillar (I know!) with a bunch of flowers (tulips. because they're my favourite. and no, I hadn't told him.) and basically humiliated me into going for a drink with him. The words he used "I haven't heard from you in a few days" combined with the flowers and the (hot) puppy dog eyes, had my coworkers shooting "heartless bitch" looks at me in seconds. So I went.

It wsn't as bad as I thought. It was worse.

It turns out he'd been cyber stalking me. He had seen a picture of me with Nick on Facebook and asked about me. Then he began reading my twitter. And following my FB conversations with friends (the parts he could see), and searching me on google and pipl. even linked in. And then he asked Nick to introduce us. How did I find this out? HE TOLD ME. I mean, what the fucking fuck? Did he think I'd be powerless to resist his devotion? I don't think his candour was supposed to inspire my actual reaction, which was contemplation of a restraining order. (I'm still thinking about it)

Then an old friend of the male variety came over to say hi. And MR TDCI completely lost his shit. Disregarding the fact that this friend is a) Obviously gay and b) I had hailed him over, TDCI started yelling at my friend for hitting on "his girl in such an obvious way" and asked the bartender to have him thrown out. (Seriously.)

At which point I grabbed my gay friend's hand and left. I should point out that my friend, while gay, is 6'5" and built like a brick shit house. So while TDCI followed me, begging for me to return, the moment he tried to physically stop me, he was shown exactly which direction he should be walking.

So when I saw Nick the next day, I quizzed him about why he thought it would be a good idea to set me up with someone who was, frankly, BAT SHIT INSANE.

Opening stanza of that conversation:
Me: What did I do to you, bumhole?
Nick: What the actual fuck are you talking about?
Me: Mr TDCI? He's nuts. He's an actual stalker. He's been cyber and cellular stalking me, for apparently weeks now.
Nick: Yeah, right. You are always talking yourself up.

Ahem.

So once I managed to convince Nick that I was speaking the truth, he launched into protests about how he thought TDCI was normal, they used to play rugby together, all the girls chased him, he was a player etc. (Why he thought I should be set up with a
player is a matter I will be discussing with him in the not too distant future.)

Finally, Nick and a couple of friends staged an intervention, after I had to block him from my cell and get our receptionist to take messages for every single work call. Thank god he didn't know where I live. I haven't heard from him for about a month, and I don't think I will. The story I heard was that I resemble very closely the only girl he ever loved, who broke his heart.

So I've decided to treat this as a lesson, instead of letting it put me off guys. Remember that the handsome ones can be crazy too. And if a guy know your favourite flower without you telling him, consider calling the police.


*Although I'm loathe to say I have a "type", my track record would suggest Tall, Dark and Handsome is my kyrptonite.
** Smoking hot, but territorial, stalkerish and over protective.